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November 23rd, 2009
12:04 pm
People from the past have appeared in the last two days.
Interesting.
Christopher and Mario.
Wonder what that means....?
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October 28th, 2009
06:09 pm - Listen Up World...
Alright, to whomever is out there...Greater Spirit, G-d, Whatever the Hell we are supposed to call You..
I am want a person in my life that I can be romantically involved with on a regular basis.
I want someone to hold me when I cry.
I want to be with a person for the greater part of the rest of my life.
I take back everything I have ever said about being alright with being alone...guess what, I am NOT alright with it. I WANT and desire someone to be in my life.
Thank you for listening...
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October 20th, 2009
12:57 am
It is very sad to find that ....once, a person knew you so well, they could finish the sentence coming out of my mouth. But now, it is difficult to have even a five minute conversation.
What ever happened...?
Goodbye, Greg...it has finally finished.
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September 18th, 2009
04:01 pm
It's the new year tonight.
I am in pain, not knowing if i can continue with graduate studies, worried about money, no job.
What a way to start off, right?
I'll go to services this evening. I won't tomorrow, because the school I go to scheduled their orientation for MATC students tomorrow. (Though, to be honest, I probably wouldn't have gone anyways. I just want to be an anonymous Jew and that doesn't happen when I go to services...) But I will go on Sunday.
So much work to do. So much to be somewhat thankful for.
But, yet, I still cry.
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September 3rd, 2009
09:43 pm - Physical Therapy
It's amazing what the lack of pain can do to a person...
Since the knees were operated on, the back has been acting up something awful.
To the tune of a 8 on a 1-10 scale. I don't say much about it, but it makes it very difficult to make it through the day. Impacts ever aspect of my life. I hate it. But, you do what you have to make the concessions that you have to in order to live life.
I have been going to physical therapy for the knees and we had switched to the back, but I have not been real hopeful that any pain would go away.
Today, I was almost in tears, because nothing was seeming to help. Until my brilliant physical therapist decided to try isolating muscles on my back and trying to move 'em back into place. Within a few seconds, literally, the pain level dropped to a 4.
It's almost 2 hours later at this point and I am still not quite at a 4, but...I feel so much better. There is some home. This pain may not inflict my life for the rest of my life. I might be able to wander through a store aimlessly again. (Yes, it's been so bad that I can just barely get through a store, just to get the needed items....and even then, sweat is pouring off of me from pain.)
Hope....just hope that it will do good and continue to do good.
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August 30th, 2009
03:29 pm
Mario...I will miss you.
Goodbye.
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August 16th, 2009
07:19 pm - Starting Over
It begins again.
I'll be a student on August 24th.
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July 29th, 2009
10:13 am
Whoo hoo!
Unemployment has been approved.
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July 19th, 2009
08:32 pm - Interesting
It was a lovely quiet day.
It happens to be my birthday.
And then I get a call from, Deborah....telling me she is E's girlfriend.
Um, what? No clue there.
*sigh*
What now?
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June 25th, 2009
11:32 pm - Irritated
Just damn irritated.
I am told on a constant basis, in words, deeds, and actions that I am a nincompoop at work.
I am told by a lover, mostly friend that I have a habit of disappearing when we speak on line. (If I DO disappear, god damn it, it's HOT in my apartment - I am sweltering, tired, whatever and tell him I am going afk....not because I don't want to talk but because I don't have the luxuries he does and need to find another place to be to be comfortable And it doesn't matter if HE goes silent, I am just supposed to be there when he is ready). And I get yelled at for wanting to talk to someone who finds me attractive and might give me the ability to have something more than just play or friendship. I am tired of this.
the last thing I ever want to do is hurt someone.
I hurt, all the time -physically and emotionally. My knees hurt. the surgeries have helped, but, damn, the pain is still there...so much so that when I get asked about what am I doing for the weekend, i laugh bitterly and say nothing as I can't walk more than 10-15 minutes without being in incredible pain. I'm not a wimp about pain, I have a high threshold...so when it gets to this point constantly, YOU trying being happy and smiling about everything. then multiply that times almost a year. That is how I have been feeling for ages. Sit in a chair at work that bends the knees and aggravates every other sore muscle, because everything is old and doesn't adjust at all.
I am tired of fighting. I am tired of just taking it all. And not standing up. I am just tired...
Not that I want to off myself or anything, but gods, I want to hide. I want to disappear and just have people forget about me. So that when i emerge again, things would just be better.
Why can't I just make this better already?
This is a vent, more than anything. I am hurt for being "called" on this behavior that he finds so difficult. That when I get an actual phone call, I take it rather than someone on line. I say I have a call..to me, a call takes precedence over on line. Always has, always will. Of course, we differ in this thought. i was told it was wrong. My answer, difference of opinion. It's not wrong, it's how I think! that he has been hurt by other people is NOT my fault. i am a caring compassionate being and want to make things easier and better for everyone. yet, even when I try, all I seem to do is hurt.
Fuck. i don't need this either.
End things before they get further. Don't hurt. don't cry. don't care. don't want. just realize tht alone is fine. alone is something to get used to (again...and again and again...) and learn to stop wanting more. Why can't I find fulfilment in alone and strive for more? To risk is to live. But I keep risking and keep getting hurt. I find very little joy lately. It needs to stop somehow....but I can't even find my way out any longer. I just am stuck at the bottom, looking up and seeing lots of dark. Ther eis no way out and I am here, alone in the dark, curled up in a ball, because I am tired of firghting to get to the top. It's been too long since I stood up and looked around and I can't figure out how to do it.
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June 4th, 2009
08:29 pm - I wish I could make it better
I got the new job in December.
I work for a perfectionist.
I am not a perfectionist.
This is adding up to me probably not having a job by the end of July.
I am miserable and unhappy and not much is helping right now.
I know I am not a secretary. I am not made out to be one. I am a teacher. A damn good one, I just don't have a degree that says I am able to offically teach!
someone, plese, let me figure this out...
I have never been fired from a job...but, it looks as if it is going to happen. I wrap too much self worth into my jobs...I am already at such a down point.
I don't even know what to do anymore.
I cry. A lot.
And tomorrow, I spend 1200 on the car to fix it in order to go to Michigan to do a memorial service for a baby that never was.
My friends find me warm, loving, caring, selfless...a "good" person...a person of worth, but when it comes to a shit job doing crappy things....yes, I am not so wonderful.
Help...I really am drowning.
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May 18th, 2009
04:02 pm - Trouble, right here in River City...
So..of course, I have a facebook page...and I wrote recently "so and so
would like to be suddenly wealthy so she just could teach rather than have any other job." as my status.
I got reamed out by my boss for writing it. She had two concerned people call her from two different places and say that obviously I hated my job.
Um, does that say ANYWHERE that I hate my job? I was dreaming...out loud. Wanting to have that sort of work as my "dream". In an ideal world situation....
But, I get a livid boss instead. She's mad and feels that it is unprofessional. Did I mention anywhere either job? Did I say that I dislike what I am doing full time?
I told her that people read into the statement and made their own observations. And she was upset that I found it amusing.
Can I last here? I know she doesn't want me...but can I make it last for another year? Or will this be the first job I am fired from?
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April 30th, 2009
06:15 am - Whoo hoo
Ready to go to the hospital to get matching scars.
Right knee=pain just now.
Meniscus tear. Off to get that fixed.
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April 22nd, 2009
07:19 pm - One Year
It's been one year since Steve walked in front of an El train.
That happened on the cusp of what has become know to me as One Very Bad Year.
I can finally walk around Chicago and not think that every dark haired, geeky, short boy, with thick wonderful glasses is him.
Progress, eh?
I am still incredibly angry about the fact that he is gone. But, I can listen to the songs he introduced me to - no matter when in our friendship - and most of the time I can smile. But, the tug of empty still lingers too.
Stevie, I still miss you. I will always hope you found the peace you lacked here.
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April 20th, 2009
10:54 am - We Love Mayor Daley
I just yanked this from the Chicago Tribune...
"On Monday, Mayor Richard Daley is to announce that Thursday, William Shakespeare's 445th birthday, is to be "Talk Like Shakespeare Day," an occasion for Chicagoans to import the spoken words of the Bard of Avon into their everyday conversations."
I am amused.
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April 3rd, 2009
03:25 pm - More from the other place
April 22, 2008
He's Dead.
One of my oldest friends stepped in front of a CTA train today.
He was killed.
And I am angry. It was a vindictive act meant to hurt someone else, even though he was in such pain.
I love him and am completely right in calling him a shit head for doing this.
April 24, 2008
And more...
No funeral here in IL.
A memorial is up on the Bristol Renassance Faire board.
I saw it and finally cried.
I am so...so, incredibly sad.
Hurt. Angry. And sad.
How do I cope with this along with everything else that is coming on? Dad and surgery, grandma and dying....and now, Steve...
How do I keep going when I don't have a physical pair of arms to help hold me up.
It has reminded me about how many do care for me. But sometimes, proximity would be wonderful.
May 25, 2008
It's been over a month...
It's been over a month since Steve killed himself.
Time stood still for a while. Sam and I were on the phone, but unable to say anything. Just wanted to be together to heal. To be angry, to scream, to cry.
But that isn't going to happen for some time. Being together, that is. More than the phone.
On the alter, I will put the hat I bought for Steve in Ukraine. I'll pick a pin off and Sammy will take one too. But it is a rememberance for him.
I found the two scripts he gave me the lsat time I saw him. They are on the shelf, along with The Last Temptation of Christ. Which I will probably never read, but I will have and maybe cry when I open it and smell the stale cigarettes that he smoked.
I finally got held, too. Dave was exactly what I needed, I just whish it could have been when it first happened, so I could cry.
The tears are kind of gone. I walk through the day. I am smiling fully again, but there is still a lurking of sadness behind it all. Even when I was content.
June 19, 2008
More fun.
Grandma died on Sunday.
Was in Dallas, Texas. Was told to go on my vacation.
Went. Had good fun.
Came back early.
Went to my home, changed bags and went to mom and dad's.
Did the funeral and shiva (days one and two).
Now exhuasted.
More emotion than I thought would come, considering our ..*ahem* differences.
She was the last one.
Poor mommy. She is more lost than anything.
Honest, I am fine, just tired...
July 6, 2008
THe long Version
helped put my grandmother into the hospital. That Saturday, mom and I went to the Book Fair and then off to the hospital. Of course, Aunt and family had been at the hospital all day, but nothing had been done. While mom and I were there, they took her down to pump for and half liters of fluid out of her stomach and 15 cc’s (or about the size of a small ointment bottle) of goop out of her abscess. The diverticulitis that she has had for a year and had not bothered to treat, because she felt it would do know good, had now infected her something mightily.
We thought she was getting better, but the hospital decided to mover her to ICU because the infection was so great and she still was not going to the bathroom. Were her kidneys hurt because of the infection? Of for something else? No one knew, but if she were upstairs, at least she got better care. She was not very lucid and on Wednesday evening, June 18, after back and forth from the hospital all week, she told me “Your hair looks so much better than normal.”
That sums up my cantankerous relationship with the old woman. The reason the date is important, because I was to leave for Dallas on a vacation and a goodbye as my friend J. was to leave for a sabbatical year around the world doing work with Christian texts. I was told by mom, “Go.” I was told by Aunt, “Go.” In my heart of hearts, when I told Bubby that I would see her on Tuesday when I got back, I think I knew she wouldn’t be there. But I left anyhow and I did say I love you. I have no regrets about what I have done.
Even in Dallas, I was in contact with home, so though on “vacation” I never fully was. J and D were with me most of the time and when on Saturday things did turn worse – basically – she was in so much pain and the infection was becoming even worse – they decided to just take her off of everything but the morphine. On Saturday the 21st I was told to come home. Thankfully, I was with people who care about me a great deal and I was able to lean on someone for a change. I knew when I got back, leaning is what everyone would be doing to me, as that seems to be the role I play at home.
I wasn’t disappointed. I came back on Monday the 23rd, a day early from my “vacation” and headed straight north to Mom and Dad’s. The funeral was Tuesday as well as the shiva. I set up and did all work, even though I am technically a mourner. Figures, right? Aunt wanted a two day shiva (that is SO odd, it’s generally one day or three…never heard of TWO) and so Wed. was more of the same. Thursday I collapsed and did nothing as I was exhausted and Friday I tried to go to work. That was stupid on my part. I left and headed back to mom and dad’s to go to services that evening.
And since then it has been fighting about the will all the time. I have finally decided to be an adult and extract myself from the entire mess. As some very wise people have told me, I can choose to be in that mess or…not. I am opting for not as I need my sanity. Considering that I have been crying a lot and how much I loathe crying, it has not been a lovely time for me.
I did go away from reality this weekend. Very much the break that I needed.
Thank you for that respite ....
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03:11 pm - Taking from my other journal....
04/03/09
I am tired of being sick.
I am tired of hurting.
I am tired of snow.
I am tired of being alone.
I am tired of not knowing where I am going in my life.
I am...I am just tired.
02/16/09
One after another...
Just bitching a bit.
Surgery on the knee last week. Done.
Walking better and with much less pain already, even though I am not fully healed. I really can't wait till physical therapy is finished and I can walk without pain again.
However, catching a cold was not on the agenda.
Thankfully, my weekend has allowed me to be sick and not deal with anyone, even on the phone. (Just couldn't even handle well wishers - just wanted to be miserable on my own, thanks.)
I am not looking forward to unburying the car tomorrow morning, though.
Snow, snow, and more snow it seems.
And that 2nd coming thing in the corner of my OKC screen, rather unnerving
02/12/09
Surgery is Such Fun
Well, the knee has been worked upon and vicodin has been taken.
It amuses me that everyone I met in the hospital kept telling me how polite I was.
Um, don't you thank people who are working on your body to make it better?
Also kept commenting on my smile.
Just..an odd day all around.
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02/16/09
Vicodin really does help...
However, I am not taking any today.
Went to work and made it through half a day. Came home and thought about napping, due to pain and vicodin induced lag, but figured it would be better to stay up and get good sleep this evening.
This surgery thing really does wipe a person out, ya know?
It's new year, s ..so what? 01/01/09
Angry with most everyone just now and going to down a bottle of sparkling wine by myself.
Yeah, maybe 2009 will be a bit less burglar-filled, depression inducing, and death-filled than 2008 was.
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February 12th, 2009
05:10 pm - Ages since I did this...
But, surgery was had this morning.
I am hoping it makes the knee better so I can get back to my life again.
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December 6th, 2008
11:09 am - So much...
The day before Yom Kippur, I walked into my home to find that I had been burglarized...again. This time all the jewelry, the computer, the tv, cameras and DVDs were all gone. Not the w ay I wanted to start out my new year, now was it.
The next day, being groggy and still having to go for a medical exam...I went. Going to a specialist makes things seem even more serious than they are. I went through the procedure and found out I had nothing to worry about. So that was a blessing, right?
Time passed and work got worse. Still not respected, still being told how awful I was...and I started to look elsewhere for a new job. The principal of the school I work for found one for me at another synagogue. This was a good thing. Within a week and a half of applying, I had achieved one small goal. I had a new job, which would start December 1.
For a person who was so "hated" by her fellow employees, at least according to the administration...it was odd how many wanted to be with me before I left. So many, that I did not have enough days to accommodate everyone. Amusing, no?
I also found that the death of my grandmother and suicide of my friend spiraled me down into a place that I had not been in before. I was grieving and didn't even know it. Nothing I could do would pull me out. I let everything slide. And now, coming out of much of these things, it is difficult trying to put my home in order again.
So, I have started at the new position and find that I am accepted, listened to, and though to be smart, even! What a difference it makes...
And I have a new computer, too. That makes life a bit easier...
Life is starting to move forward. This is a good step.
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September 26th, 2008
08:10 am - The High Holidays
Rosh Hashanah begins Monday night at sundown and it's the beginning of the big holidays for us Jews.
The month leading up to Rosh Hashanah is supposed to be a month of teshuva (return). Return to G-d, return to spirituality, return to the beginning, return to...well, whatever you can come up with, because nothing is specified, of course.
Now is the time where I am supposed to think inward and examine the actions and deeds that I have done in the last year. It's been a difficult year for me, particularly in the last few months. And you know, I have had a lot of resistance about the upcoming holidays.
Honest, I like Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, but for a couple of months now, I have known that I was going to "boycott" Yom Kippur. I don't know why or the reasoning exactly, I just have known that I don't want to be at synagogue. I don't want to be surrounded by a thousand or so people who never set foot inside a spiritual house during the rest of the year. Not that I go so often, and I really don't (out of my own free will maybe once or twice a year, to be honest) but, I just couldn't handle it.
Now, it turns out, the reasoning is good. I have a medical "thing" on Kol Nidre (the evening before Yom Kippur). I wouldn't be able to go any which way, though probably would be able to go for the morning and yizkor (memorial) and N'eilah (afternoon) services. But, at this point...I am still not going.
I normally ask my friends and acquaintances during this time to forgive me for the hurts I have caused intentionally and unintentionally....and normally, I really mean it. However, this year is not a normal sort of feeling for me. I am sorry for the hurts I have caused, but I haven't examined those issues this year at all. So, it's not a formal asking of forgiveness....just an accepted thought, I think, for me, this year.
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September 8th, 2008
08:26 pm - Singing Can be FUN!
Woah.
I just got back from the Old Town School of Folk Music in Chicago. I had signed up for a singing class, but really didn't know what to expect.
I have done singing. Trained in opera, read music, plunk piano...the whole thing, so folk music, should be interesting. And it was the first class I have taken in singing in over 6 years. Let's see how much I have forgotten and how badly I suck...
BUT...
The teacher liked my voice. I remembered how to sing (and breathe, more importantly - though my support just stinks!) And she roped me into joining another class on Wednesdays. I am not going to sing cabaret style songs, this one being all Johnny Mercer.
How did this all happen?
Oh yeah, I love to sing.
WHEEE!
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September 7th, 2008
07:21 pm
The yucky cells are back.
Glad I do what the doctor tells me to do.
Take the bad cells out in a couple of days.
I am trying not to freak out, but is this going to happen every two years?
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September 2nd, 2008
08:07 am - Well then
School starts today.
For a change, I am excited, rather than dreading.
This is good.
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July 6th, 2008
06:50 pm - The last few months
I helped put my grandmother into the hospital. That Saturday, mom and I went to the Book Fair and then off to the hospital. Of course, Aunt and family had been at the hospital all day, but nothing had been done. While mom and I were there, they took her down to pump for and half liters of fluid out of her stomach and 15 cc’s (or about the size of a small ointment bottle) of goop out of her abscess. The diverticulitis that she has had for a year and had not bothered to treat, because she felt it would do know good, had now infected her something mightily.
We thought she was getting better, but the hospital decided to mover her to ICU because the infection was so great and she still was not going to the bathroom. Were her kidneys hurt because of the infection? Of for something else? No one knew, but if she were upstairs, at least she got better care. She was not very lucid and on Wednesday evening, June 18, after back and forth from the hospital all week, she told me “Your hair looks so much better than normal.”
That sums up my cantankerous relationship with the old woman. The reason the date is important, because I was to leave for Dallas on a vacation and a goodbye as my friend J. was to leave for a sabbatical year around the world doing work with Christian texts. I was told by mom, “Go.” I was told by Aunt, “Go.” In my heart of hearts, when I told Bubby that I would see her on Tuesday when I got back, I think I knew she wouldn’t be there. But I left anyhow and I did say I love you. I have no regrets about what I have done.
Even in Dallas, I was in contact with home, so though on “vacation” I never fully was. J and D were with me most of the time and when on Saturday things did turn worse – basically – she was in so much pain and the infection was becoming even worse – they decided to just take her off of everything but the morphine. On Saturday the 21st I was told to come home. Thankfully, I was with people who care about me a great deal and I was able to lean on someone for a change. I knew when I got back, leaning is what everyone would be doing to me, as that seems to be the role I play at home.
I wasn’t disappointed. I came back on Monday the 23rd, a day early from my “vacation” and headed straight north to Mom and Dad’s. The funeral was Tuesday as well as the shiva. I set up and did all work, even though I am technically a mourner. Figures, right? Aunt wanted a two day shiva (that is SO odd, it’s generally one day or three…never heard of TWO) and so Wed. was more of the same. Thursday I collapsed and did nothing as I was exhausted and Friday I tried to go to work. That was stupid on my part. I left and headed back to mom and dad’s to go to services that evening.
And since then it has been fighting about the will all the time. I have finally decided to be an adult and extract myself from the entire mess. As some very wise people have told me, I can choose to be in that mess or…not. I am opting for not as I need my sanity. Considering that I have been crying a lot and how much I loathe crying, it has not been a lovely time for me.
I did go away from reality this weekend. And that is the break I needed.
So, to sum up, the last year has been:
September – start of probably the worst and most difficult year of teaching I have had in ten years.
October – the house was burgled
January – deterioration of health of grandmother truly begins
February – The car was smushed
April – Steve kills himself
May – dad has kidney procedure
June – Grandma dies
July – Dad is having an angioplasty that might turn into an angiogram or open heart surgery all depending what is found in the angiogram.
Ok, can it stop now?
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April 26th, 2008
03:41 pm - Steve's Dead
Steve walked in front of a brown line train on Tuesday, April 22 at nine in the morning.
I still am trying to wrap my head around that fact.
Suicide. Vindictive. Manipulative.
Things were bad. Lost his job in February. Did some awful hurtful things to the woman he loved. And she called the police, which landed him in jail for a few days. She packed his things and when he got out a friend picked his stuff up and he left. That was two weeks ago.
And in the meantime, who knows if he took his medication.
He left a hurtful and mean suicide letter in her mailbox. The police knew to look there because he left a note in his wallet.
I've known him since we were 16. He was 34.
Dad called him a peripheral friend. But he wasn't. Even if we wouldn't talk for months and months...he was still there. An impact in my life.
There is some kind of memorial tomorrow with his friends from the Faire, mostly. I still don't think I am going to go. Many of them won't know what he has been like in the last few months and they will laude him. I don't know if I can hear that right now.
Sammy and I will remember him when we come together in the next year or two. And remember our friend and not the way he died.
I know it sounds trite, but I really do hope that he found some peace.
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April 17th, 2008
07:42 am - And this is what he wrote
"personally, i really don't care, and you'll be COMPLETELY deleted, but sombody like yourself i really don't understand. first, your not a prize ! i'd think you would have been appreciative knowing that somebody would be interested in becoming aquainted reguardless of your size, but, obviously your not ! so, keep posting, and looking but remember, you had your opportunity !"
I wrote back, how incredibly rude.
His response - No, just truthful.
Love how he doesn't know the difference between your and you're. See, brains - lack thereof.
Yeah, I might not be a prize in YOUR eyes, sir, but you know what, I am a prize to quite a few others.
Ta!
Not hurt, not unhappy, just...puzzled I guess. Obviously I made an impression to keep my email for a year, but, woah...
Ah well.
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April 16th, 2008
07:25 pm - I'm not desirable....
At least according to a man I turned down.
Boo hoo.
A man I turned down a year ago contacted me recently via email.
Asked if we could go out again and I responded that no, I don't think so.
I then get a response saying how I had a chance with someone who was willing to go out with someone who is not a "looker" and that I had the opportunity to go out with someone who was so wonderful.
Are you really so wonderful that you have to tell me? And that I'm such a "looser" that you need to tell me you would DAIN to date me, in spite of being fat?
Oy. I responded once more with, no, thanks. And by the by, that was incredibly rude.
I'm just a little flummoxed, I guess.
Current Mood: perplexed
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February 20th, 2008
01:25 pm - Hit and Run
I took the day off today. I was supposed to go to see my third opera at the Lyric. Falstaff. I was looking forward to it, because I don't know the opera.
I went outside to meet the folks so we could switch and I could drive into the city. However, I went to my car...and found the license plate sitting on my windshield along with a police report. As I looked further, I found that my hood was crushed.
Yes, just to add to the fun, my car has been squished. Both front and back.
I couldn't make this crap if I tried!
No opera, waiting for the insurance agent and we'll see what happens next.
Oh joy, oh bliss.
Ok, G-d...I get it, I did something....but could you let me know what?
Ironically, the last opera I went to, the evening before it, I was burgled. Perhaps I should just stop going to the opera?
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February 13th, 2008
10:01 am - Happiness
This just struck me so forcefully this morning.
http://xkcd.com/383/
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January 6th, 2008
02:14 pm - Ukraine
It seems like a dream.
I debated for so long about even going, yet here I am, ready to start on the first part of the journey.
I am going to see the baby bro in Ukraine. I leave Monday and get back on the 21st.
It's the first time I have seen him in a year and a half. I just can't wait.
Chicago to New York. New York to Prauge. Prauge to Odessa.
Odessa, Lviv and Kyiv when I am in Ukraine.
Kyiv to Paris. (Heavens, I wish I could have afforded to be in Paris for a time, but, that is for next trip!) And then Paris to Chicago.
It's here, I am going...And I am content with that thought.
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